On the Road

It has been a little hectic around here lately. A few days ago I was looking forward to driving a friend’s car down to Los Angeles thinking that the pastures were greener a bit further south…. Well, I hit a snow storm in southern Utah, more snow than there was at home. There is something to be said about blooming where one is planted. The sun did come out while I was in California and I did get a bit of a tan as I managed to paint two en plein airs before returning to Canada. I am now back home, safe and sound and very double booked. The St. Albert Painters’ Guild opening was blast as usual with good friends, good art and good music. The only missing piece was my biggest fan, my husband. At the same time he was master of ceremonies at his own opening for an annual regional meeting he had helped organize. I spent the rest of the weekend with him there as we are both interested in the work the group does. The pace does not look like it will slow anytime soon. This week I finish one set of murals and begin another. Hopefully I will sneak in some watercolour too.Never a dull moment. Life is so much fun!

Keeping the Faith

Painting is something of a puzzle. It has a lot to do with keeping the faith.  There is a point where I wonder if I should begin all over again. Nothing looks as if it will come together. I use a lot of colours. It is much easier if one chooses a limited palette. Even two or three colours can really make a beautiful painting. As always I prefer a challenge and, as I said, it is a matter of keeping the faith to proceed in spite of appearances. In the four panels there are two images that are quite simple. The other two require more planning. The most complicated is the waterfall. All of the images required redesigning as the format had changed from seven by four to six by four. The lighthouse needed something more to fill in the bottom and so I added some more rocks. At the moment the waterfall is very dismembered. The rock faces have very distinct colour changes from light cream to dark blue/black. There are reds, blues, browns, yellows and purples in the mix. The darks are too dark and there are no transitions or gradations making the whole thing look like a cut and paste affair. I have not scrapped it yet but I must admit I am spending more time on the other panels as they seem to be giving the results I am after more quickly. So… I will keep the faith and proceed. Life is good.

Done with Ease

The four panels are all drawn and ready to paint. It is a bit of a squeeze and I have decided that I will not attempt the other set of panels before clearing these. Since my retreat was cancelled last weekend due to weather I managed a fair bit of progress in the painting department. There used to be a sign above my desk that read: “This is easy”. I discovered that life is not always easy no matter how positive my thoughts are. There is, however, always a choice. I can choose to get angry, frustrated and resentful about the interruptions, inconveniences and lack of energy or can move into a space of ease, accepting what I cannot change and going with the flow of what I can do. I have discovered that my energy level tends to remain high in spite of any misdirections that may occur along the way. Attitude makes all the difference. Now that I am full fledged into painting on the panels I am missing my watercolours. I am no longer waiting for paint to dry. With four panels on the go it does not take long for the first one to dry and I tend to complete one colour in all four panels before moving into the next. Another thing I have discovered is that I do not appreciate being too regimented either. So, every once in a while, I take little side journeys into ink or tonal values. It looks like the seascape will be done first. I wonder what that says about me…… Life is so good.

Smog

At last the sun has arrived. That was my thought before the snow storm this weekend. Driving to my studio last week I noticed that there were very few clouds in the sky but the day was not bright. Looking across the open space towards the new housing developments everything looked as if it were in a fog. I knew it was not fog. The sun was too bright and too hot for it to be fog. The next day I happened to notice an article in an older newspaper that inhabits our kitchen table and my suspicions were confirmed. Smog. It lingered for many days. I guess the atmospheric conditions were just right for the collection of undesired additives to our breathing space. Why did I want to move into the city? Ah, yes. Less driving. Mmmm. Life is full of choices. Each choice has a benefit and a price. Today brings with it another choice. I can stay home and work on the computer all day or I can go to my studio…. The latter is far more enticing. The murals beckon. My new watercolour insists. Sigh…. I could make the sacrifice and take up my brushes in two different media…. Well, maybe only one for now. The murals are at the drawing stage at the moment. It is so much fun watching them come alive… Oops! Did I say ‘fun’? Really, it is a sacrifice… I will choose fun over the computer work this time! The price is high, really….. It feels good to be free. Life is good.

Insomnia

In half an hour it will be tomorrow. I cannot sleep. There was a time when I could. In fact I remember barely touching the pillow and sleep overcame me. So why can’t I sleep tonight and last night and the night before? My tooth is aching. It is a bother but I do not think that is the real reason. I have had too much sugar today. A dietary imbalance is more likely. So what is the real reason? My husband keeps asking me why I am so quiet these days. Lately I have been quiet, maybe unusually quiet. Why does he find that disturbing? What is disturbing me?

I am afraid. Afraid of what? BraveHeart may be the door through which I can move into being all I am called to be.

We watched a Ron Rolheiser DVD this afternoon. He talked about the cross and what it means. He talked about what it teaches us and what it calls us to do. The lessons it teaches are that God is unconditional love and that his power comes through his vulnerability, the power of a baby. The call of the cross is to step into the pain and the suffering of vulnerability with the grace of surrender rather than resentment and bitterness.

These last twenty years I have been learning about how bitter I have been. It has been a process of awareness, grieving and letting go. I am now called to stand before the world helpless and naked, accepting what comes in the freedom and power of knowing who I am and what my purpose is. I am called to be an example. By being open and vulnerable I allow other women around me to do the same. I set them free to be all they can be. I set my daughters free. The only way to do that is by moving through the fear, agonizing in the garden and giving my life away, gratis, no strings attached. I am in the garden. I am looking for a way to glory without the pain of the cross and I know that is not possible. I have been in the garden before. Many times. Life is like that. When I think I have learned all I need to know I get a new lesson, a deeper lesson. So far I have avoided bitterness by choosing surrender. It is so the way to go.

Lord, I place myself and who I am as a woman in your hands. Once more help me to surrender freely, generously, with grace and ease. Amen.